damien rice ~ accidental babies

my guitar loves me right now. i play it all the time. i’m not sure what brought on this incessant need to play, but it has arrived and is taking over my life.

and i like it. i like that i’m trying not to suck. that’s really great news for me and everyone, i think.

my life is drastically different than it was 2 months ago. i do different things in my free time, i hang with different people, i go to different places, i eat different things, i ENJOY my job, i would have to say i’m generally happier.

i hope to move to st louis soon. for whatever reason i have this idea in my head that i should be living in the city in a loft with high ceilings and brick walls. i want to kill carpet cozy. i’m not sure what brought on this sudden for distaste intricate layouts, detached kitchens, and feeling safe at night, but i don’t want this anymore.

well, i want to feel safe at night, but i suppose i can bargain safety for style. haha. priorities.

mexico plans have been finalized, sort of. we won’t know where we are staying until the day we leave. this sort of uncertainty typically makes me feel rather uneasy, but right now i’m pretty chill about the whole thing. probably because i’m even going to mexico. i was a bit worried that the whole thing would fall through. it didn’t. let’s pray for good weather and minimal sunburns.

okay, i’m going to visit guitar center and visit my wish list.

i’d like to leave you with this piece of advice, however unsolicited it may be:

cheaters don’t deserve explanations.

-jessica

i’m way too high strung.

there are only 24 hours in each day. and i like to sleep for 7 of them. leaving only 17 hours to do the things i want to do. i have to work for . lunch for 1. commute for 1. get ready for 1. down to 6.

6 hours to make things happen.

i suppose 6 hours should be enough. except for that i don’t know what it is i want to do.

i can never decide what person i want to be. some days i want to be a singersongwriter. some days i want to be a photographer. some days i want to be a marketing expert. some days i just want to seem like an organized person.

sometimes i even like to pretend like i am a scrapbooker. i’m not really…

focus focus focus.

i can never seem to focus.

i want to have an exciting social life, too. but that, again, takes time out of the day…or really the 6 hours that are left.

sometimes i like to sit and listen to new music for hours. try to be a new music expert.

i can’t be an “expert” in anything because i want to do everything.

i don’t get how some folks can really truly focus on making one dream, one goal, come true.

i know that i don’t have to just do one thing, that a few is great.

but i hate that i can’t pick one thing to really push for. like it’s everything.

it could be rollerblading, for all i care, just that it’s something that i have a passion for. not 12 things i have a passion for that i can’t seem to be passionate about.

each day brings a different focal point. different people i want to spend time with. different activities i want to become good at. but all i really want to do is follow through on something.

i keep all my options open for as long as possible, but in the meantime, i’m missing my chance to be really great at something.

just mediocre at everything.

i suppose my hesitation to eliminate some of these time consumers is what is causing this problem.

this seems like an easy fix, but i experience cognitive dissonance at nearly every level of my life. after i eat tacos, i wonder if i shouldn’t have eaten a pizza. that would have been tasty, i think…maybe more tasty than the already tasty tacos. perhaps i made the wrong decision.

right now i’m attempting to narrow down my choices for some large purchases. i can’t buy everything. i can’t have a new camera, a new piano, a new guitar, new couches, a new bike, a mexican vacation, a dog.

i can’t have all of these things. but depending on my focus that day, each of these things seems like a good idea at one time or another.

i wonder if other people struggle so much on simple things.

i have also learned that being compulsive doesn’t help. thats how i end up with dyed hair, or tattoos. luckily i tend to dodge these bullets by putting the things that really seem like a great idea off for a day or so.

usually within a few hours it’s not such a great idea.

what an unfocused compulsive unorganized person i am.

maybe this is a good thing. maybe i’m a better, more well-rounded person because of it. that is, at least, what i’m going to pretend.

-jessica

You’re so stupid and perfect and stupid and perfect.

the bird & the bee ~ again & again