there are only 24 hours in each day. and i like to sleep for 7 of them. leaving only 17 hours to do the things i want to do. i have to work for . lunch for 1. commute for 1. get ready for 1. down to 6.

6 hours to make things happen.

i suppose 6 hours should be enough. except for that i don’t know what it is i want to do.

i can never decide what person i want to be. some days i want to be a singersongwriter. some days i want to be a photographer. some days i want to be a marketing expert. some days i just want to seem like an organized person.

sometimes i even like to pretend like i am a scrapbooker. i’m not really…

focus focus focus.

i can never seem to focus.

i want to have an exciting social life, too. but that, again, takes time out of the day…or really the 6 hours that are left.

sometimes i like to sit and listen to new music for hours. try to be a new music expert.

i can’t be an “expert” in anything because i want to do everything.

i don’t get how some folks can really truly focus on making one dream, one goal, come true.

i know that i don’t have to just do one thing, that a few is great.

but i hate that i can’t pick one thing to really push for. like it’s everything.

it could be rollerblading, for all i care, just that it’s something that i have a passion for. not 12 things i have a passion for that i can’t seem to be passionate about.

each day brings a different focal point. different people i want to spend time with. different activities i want to become good at. but all i really want to do is follow through on something.

i keep all my options open for as long as possible, but in the meantime, i’m missing my chance to be really great at something.

just mediocre at everything.

i suppose my hesitation to eliminate some of these time consumers is what is causing this problem.

this seems like an easy fix, but i experience cognitive dissonance at nearly every level of my life. after i eat tacos, i wonder if i shouldn’t have eaten a pizza. that would have been tasty, i think…maybe more tasty than the already tasty tacos. perhaps i made the wrong decision.

right now i’m attempting to narrow down my choices for some large purchases. i can’t buy everything. i can’t have a new camera, a new piano, a new guitar, new couches, a new bike, a mexican vacation, a dog.

i can’t have all of these things. but depending on my focus that day, each of these things seems like a good idea at one time or another.

i wonder if other people struggle so much on simple things.

i have also learned that being compulsive doesn’t help. thats how i end up with dyed hair, or tattoos. luckily i tend to dodge these bullets by putting the things that really seem like a great idea off for a day or so.

usually within a few hours it’s not such a great idea.

what an unfocused compulsive unorganized person i am.

maybe this is a good thing. maybe i’m a better, more well-rounded person because of it. that is, at least, what i’m going to pretend.

-jessica

You’re so stupid and perfect and stupid and perfect.

the bird & the bee ~ again & again

i’ll be trading in my suits for jeans.

i accepted a new job at an advertising agency called switch

it’s near downtown stl.

i’m pretty excited :)

i start on April 28th.

-jessica

This is one for the good days
And I have it all here
In red blue green
Red blue green

Radiohead ~Videotape

so it’s march

and it’s snowing

on sunday it was almost 80

and girls were wearing tank tops and at the mall (not me, though, because i found that to be a bit premature)

but nonetheless

girls were wearing little amounts of clothing.

and people were outside playing

and enjoying life.

then the next day

ice

and snow

and awfulness.

and now my car is a pile of ice and snow.

again

so now that i’m done complaining about the weather

google took away my page ranking

what once was 2

is now 1

i’m verysad

though i’m not really sure what the means.

my alexa score has stayed constant

so google should really rethink this decision, i think.

read this book:

Dale Carnegie’s Lifetime Plan for Success

perhaps the title sounds silly, but it’s actually quite wonderful.

my dad gave it to me.  highly recommended.

he’s a very smart man, with good opinions.

and a great beard.

-jessica

 

 

 

Be prepared to modify your plan.

It’ll be good for you.

 

 

 

i mean like, really grow up. i know i’m an “adult” now. i have a real job. i am done with school. all the good ages have passed. i think that once you hit 21, the things you look forward to change drastically.

when i’m 25, i can rent a car without paying insane insurance fees. wwwooooah.

right now i feel like life is on hold. but i’m still getting older, as are my family and friends. i still feel like i’m stuck in the college schedule. sleeping late, eating bad food, living with a roommate, rent…..

i want to live with a husband, cook meals, live in a house, pay a mortgage….

go on couples vacations. i’m not ready for children yet, but someday i will be, and i can’t get there from here directly.

i’m sick of the college stage of life.

weird.

i wish i owned a house in colorado. and one somewhere warm. by some body of water. and at least one of my residences would have a large window facing a city skyline.

and there would be a big leather couch. and a big hdtv. and probably a wet bar. and a hot tub.

that probably won’t happen any time soon (if ever).

but i guess if i work hard enough, i can do at least some of the things i dream about doing. i could travel.

if someone offered me a job that was 75% travel. i would take it. because i just want to see everything. and meet everyone. and go to coffee shops i’ve never been to before.

i would get a better phone plan.

and i would add more text messages so that i don’t go over my limit every month like i do now. i think i would also get a new phone. because i need my phone and my calendar to be the same. as much as i love google calendar, it doesn’t do me any good if i’m away from my computer.

i want to get stressed out from time to time.

i want to work late because i HAVE to in order to finish a project.

i want weird things.

and i want to go to breckenridge.

-jessica

I get so distracted
By some peoples reactions
That I don’t see my own faults
For what they are
For what they are

 

At times so self destructive
With no intent or motive
But behind this emotion,
There lies a sensible heart

 

city and colour ~sensible heart

i’m so sick of illinois.

it’s freeeezing cold

but it almost never snows

just an annoying frosting of ice on my windowshield that makes me late for work every morning.

the landscape is NOT pretty

ever.

not even in the spring.

i want so very badly to relocate myself. to some other state with a different type of people. maybe i’ll go south, i hear people are more patient there (we could DEFINITELY use some of that around here)

mostly i just want a change of surroundings, i think. there isn’t a lot to do here. i want vacation sooo badly, and it isn’t until August. i’d leave tomorrow if i could.

i miss colorado. and florida. and germany. and every other place i’ve ever been (which isnt’ really a lot…)

I just want to experience different things before i get too old to do it. i want to see if i can make it in a new place. surely i’d make friends in time. not that i wouldn’t miss the ones here, because i really would.

i’d miss my family, too, which is why i know that someday i’ll be back here no matter what happens. the midwest will always be my home, but i would like to try something different for awhile.

but this probably won’t happen.

i’m just keeping my eyes open, though.

-jess

I think that I’m just tired
I think I need a new town,
to leave this all behind…

augustana ~ boston

lately i’ve been feeling really lame as a result of heavy media consumption. particularly my television. i just turn it on for noise and then evenings escape me. and i’m lamer than the day before.

so.

as of tonight at about 7:30 pm, i have decided to unplug it.

this will continue for at least a week. i’m having some pretty serious withdrawals currently, but i think it’s better this way. my background noise is now some sweet tunes.

the glare on the screen won’t bother me now.

the hardest part was the pure silence that occurred as i settled in to a completely dead quiet empty apartment before i could get the laptop booted up.

i actually heard my neighbors (usually they hear me–they probably hate my guitar)

so that is my challenge. i feel i can succeed. perhaps if the next week serves me well i will continue. the hardest part is the first week, i hear.

the cold sweats will go away soon.

good thing the office isn’t showing new episodes. i would never make it.

i’ll keep you updated.

i cleaned my room today. for no apparent reason, other than to feel more comfortable in the place where i live. i tried to move the things that have just been sitting, like the box from my laptop and the pictures of trees that i purchased from old time pottery 2 months ago sitting in the corner. they look much better on my wall.

i feel like i have all these loose ends floating around. in my apartment. in my friendships. in my job. just floating about. they aren’t really bad loose ends…they just leave an unsettled feeling, making it difficult for anything to feel complete.

i realize it’s impossible to tie up every end, but it’s nice to try. it’s nice to see the floor in my closet. it’s nice to push the dust off some of things that i’ve been neglecting, too.

i’m not organized. i think i’d like to be. not TOO organized, though. i need lots of room for creativity. it doesn’t seem to occur that much in the confines of very particular organization.

breathing room.

too much clutter and too much disorganization though, that can kill you. it can stifle everything that could potentially be great. so many things to think about that none of them get enough attention to flourish. great ideas die and nothing succeeds.

happy medium, i hope for.

there’s a pile of empty orange tic tacs next to my tv. that’s another addiction of mine. my parents felt the need to break my dry streak and purchase quite a few very large boxes to stuff in my stocking. which i ate rather quickly. so quickly that some didn’t even make it in my mouth, i guess. i keep finding stray tic tacs around the apartment. megan too.

last night at the pet store i wanted to pet a ferret. the are tricky and fast. as i was petting one and conversing, the little furry beast flipped his head back and attempted to eat me ( i think)

however, i quickly pulled my hand back

straight into the overhang over the tank. and now the knuckle over my left index finger hurts considerably a lot.

i probably should have just let him bite me.

in an attempt to be optimistic, i feel i should mention that the sun is setting about a minute later each day. we’re on the way out of these awful dark short days. more light = more happiness. i cannot wait for the longest days. the warm ones when you can swim at night without shivering. shorts and flipflops. and maybe tents. i think i want more tents this year. please camp with me.

and boating and fishing and rollerblading.

ahhhh summer i miss you.

but we’re getting there, slowly.

i figure once the holidays are over the winter is pretty much worthless. we should probably skip jan and feb. march can stay. for now.

-jessica

At the edge of the rest of your life
At the end of a one way road
I was losing everything
And tonight may never shine
If you never open your eyes
I keep this heart right next to mine

the anniversary ~ the siren sings

so tonight i actually worked out. i was feeling all pumped up, and i went to the gym and i worked out for a long time. lots of cardio. i feel pretty good about myself…tired..but good.

the greatest part was that Family Guy was on the whole time. so much easier to work out when i’m enjoying myself. i can almost write off the fact that i’m all sweaty and tired if i’m laughing.

at the gym i realize how very important it is for me to watch tv with other people. when i’m all alone, i laugh out loud, comment, whatever, but when i’m at the gym, it’s rather odd for me, with headphones to comment and laugh loudly in a large white room that is nearly silent aside from the panting of the one or two 50+ year old men on the cross trainer down the line and the swishing sound of the the treadmill turning the the stationary bike pedals shifting.

it’s weird that i laugh out loud–because no one else understands. there are 6 tvs, and no one else seems to be enjoying the programming, so i decide i am watching alone.

and it just makes me want someone else there. just on the next machine, we obviously aren’t talking because we both have our headphones on, listening to the greatness that is family guy. but when something really funny, just a really great moment occurs, i can turn to that person and smile really big, maybe even chuckle (though he/she can’t hear me), and know, that someone else is on the same page as me.

that’s weird…isn’t it.

i don’t notice it in my apartment. it just really comes out at the gym.

so i love when megan works out with me. it doesn’t happen that often because our preferences on working out times dont’ seem to mesh.

i like to work out late at night, so i can shower and then goof off (probably doing some lame, like blogging) and then hit the bed.

she likes to go right after work. which is when i eat. eating is important to me. and thus, a problem occurs.

tonight i bought mad gab. it was on sale for $15. a deal i couldn’t pass up. and now i own it. you wanna play for a minute? cool.

here we go:

in case you don’t know the rules, you have to read the sentences out loud and figure out what they “actually” say.

for example:

Finnel Easel = Vin Diesel

a little harder:

Thief Emily Chew Hills = The Family Jewels

Okay, so here are a few for you to figure out. The answers will come at a later date. Let’s see if you can figure these out.

1. Unique Waters Forth Ease Lots

2. Thief Hull Mound He

3. Fee Sack Hard

4. Thud Hen Verb Wrong Goes

5. Shah Nigh At Wane

6. Eggs Dream Ache Oh Fur

7. Might Beef Hat Creek Wet Ink

8. Weep Ring Hood Thins Tool I’ve

9. These Pie Ooze Hag Dummy

10. Thumb Worth Hum Hairier

Okay, you can leave a comment if you figure them all out. I’d be impressed. Enjoy!

Well, hey, time for bed, but happy Thanksgiving. Eat lots of turkey and mashed potatoes.

-jessica

I want to change the world…instead I sleep.
I want to believe in more than you and me.
But all that I know is I’m breathing.
All i can do is keep breathing.
All we can do is keep breathing now.

Ingrid Michaelson ~ Keep Breathing