there are only 24 hours in each day. and i like to sleep for 7 of them. leaving only 17 hours to do the things i want to do. i have to work for . lunch for 1. commute for 1. get ready for 1. down to 6.

6 hours to make things happen.

i suppose 6 hours should be enough. except for that i don’t know what it is i want to do.

i can never decide what person i want to be. some days i want to be a singersongwriter. some days i want to be a photographer. some days i want to be a marketing expert. some days i just want to seem like an organized person.

sometimes i even like to pretend like i am a scrapbooker. i’m not really…

focus focus focus.

i can never seem to focus.

i want to have an exciting social life, too. but that, again, takes time out of the day…or really the 6 hours that are left.

sometimes i like to sit and listen to new music for hours. try to be a new music expert.

i can’t be an “expert” in anything because i want to do everything.

i don’t get how some folks can really truly focus on making one dream, one goal, come true.

i know that i don’t have to just do one thing, that a few is great.

but i hate that i can’t pick one thing to really push for. like it’s everything.

it could be rollerblading, for all i care, just that it’s something that i have a passion for. not 12 things i have a passion for that i can’t seem to be passionate about.

each day brings a different focal point. different people i want to spend time with. different activities i want to become good at. but all i really want to do is follow through on something.

i keep all my options open for as long as possible, but in the meantime, i’m missing my chance to be really great at something.

just mediocre at everything.

i suppose my hesitation to eliminate some of these time consumers is what is causing this problem.

this seems like an easy fix, but i experience cognitive dissonance at nearly every level of my life. after i eat tacos, i wonder if i shouldn’t have eaten a pizza. that would have been tasty, i think…maybe more tasty than the already tasty tacos. perhaps i made the wrong decision.

right now i’m attempting to narrow down my choices for some large purchases. i can’t buy everything. i can’t have a new camera, a new piano, a new guitar, new couches, a new bike, a mexican vacation, a dog.

i can’t have all of these things. but depending on my focus that day, each of these things seems like a good idea at one time or another.

i wonder if other people struggle so much on simple things.

i have also learned that being compulsive doesn’t help. thats how i end up with dyed hair, or tattoos. luckily i tend to dodge these bullets by putting the things that really seem like a great idea off for a day or so.

usually within a few hours it’s not such a great idea.

what an unfocused compulsive unorganized person i am.

maybe this is a good thing. maybe i’m a better, more well-rounded person because of it. that is, at least, what i’m going to pretend.

-jessica

You’re so stupid and perfect and stupid and perfect.

the bird & the bee ~ again & again